And remember, Dora, sex in a man’s head is dangerous in two cases: when there is only sex in his head and when sex is only in his head.
Some people get married already knowing that they do not match in the bedroom: they want completely different things sexually, and they absolutely can’t give them to each other. But no, they still chase wedding bells. They think that when it comes to creating a family, different things, other than just having a good time in the sack, have more gravity – they are soul mates; they have the same interests, tastes and goals in life. They say: “Both of us are ready to have a baby”, or even: “We are having so much fun together”, and they rush to the alter.
The worst case results in the wife often saying: “Oh, get on with it, from behind and quickly, IT’S JUST UNBEARABLE”. He tolerates it for a while, then he… gets himself a lover.
Or in some cases the woman never shows interest in getting intimate. So her man just doesn’t know whether she fancies him at all. Or more likely, at some point, he starts thinking ‘she doesn’t want him equals she doesn’t love him’. He meets a woman who openly demonstrates her interest in having sex with him and… gets himself a lover.
Or I ask, for example, at a therapy session, “Do you practice oral sex?” And I hear the answer from the classic anecdote: “What?! And then have her kiss my kids with those lips?” This is incredibly infantile, as only teenagers have platonic feelings separated from their erotic experiences. They fall in love with their school sweethearts’ blue eyes, but imagine themselves with grown-up women in their sexual fantasies. When a boy grows up his romantic feelings and sexual desires fuse into one. Those who fail to accomplish this are stuck in the position of ‘this is my wife – this is the mother of my children – this is sacred’. And for sex… they get a lover.
(We will choose a different occasion to talk about the reasons why women choose to cheat.)
In the best case scenario (if this is really the best scenario at all), one of the spouses comes to my therapy sessions to ask how to continue their life together as ‘my wife and I are like relatives’, and ‘she is the closest person I have in this world’, but there is no sex with the other half and no desire to have sex with them. And the thought of having something on the side is disgusting. This is a real tragedy when two people truly love each other, but they don’t want each other. Here, something needs to be decided – preferably before the wedding and kids. Because no spiritual affinity will make up for the sexual disharmony in the family as SEX IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in the relationship. Sex is the foundation for everything and it is always in our head, right where the common interests are.
It is delightful if you like the same Fellini films, but at the end of the day, after great sex does it really matter what she watches – Big Brother or Eastenders? On the other hand, Fellini will be absolutely helpless after horrible, and especially after regularly horrible sex. Because if people have no problems in bed, it means that they are absolutely in tune on some important deep basic level. And this is the most important level any couple needs to match on, personal and domestic will follow. But it doesn’t work the other way.
My Grandma would ask the paramedic who arrived to save her from a hypertensive crisis: “Have you ever read Zweig?” And if he hadn’t, he would leave with a copy of one of his books. She preferred to deal with a doctor familiar with classical literature. Don’t do the same with your partner. A deep meaningful relationship is good, but sex is better, especially if you are planning to live happily ever after with your partner.
Sometimes your colleague, acquaintance or friend – intelligent, handsome and sane – suddenly starts going out with a creature who uses purple lipstick and says, “Innit.” And they are clearly in love and into each other. Social opinion is totally lost – why this thing when there are so many gorgeous stylish chicks fighting for the attention of this hunk? The commonly used vulgar explanation is: ‘She must be great in the sack’. But this version is true. These two people suit each other in bed, whereas those well-dressed girls from his circle were so worked up in conversation about Kierkegaard that they just could not loosen up.
But here is a bit of romance: OF COURSE, a lot depends on whether we can meet ‘our’ person or not. A friend and a lover in one is the best combination and the secret of a long lasting marriage. We all dream about the one, thanking providence, or cursing it, forgetting that there is absolutely nothing random in our happy encounters. People meet their ideal partner when they are ready: they have sorted out their childhood traumas and insecurities, they have overcome their worst neuroses, they know what they want from their life and their partner, and they do not have any serious conflicts with themselves. Otherwise, every new relationship will become a test for both participants and will inevitably end up in disappointment. (And new insecurities.)
What is there to say – the majority of attempts to start a relationship or even build a family are made out of the lack of belief that our ideal partner even exists – a person whose smell, temperature and sexual preferences suit us perfectly. People tend to think: “Yes, I don’t like the way he fusses in bed, but he seems a nice enough person and his mum promised to buy us a flat.” or: “She reacts to my touch in a somewhat weird way, but she is a good cook and she is likely to be a good mother to my children.”
But there must be no BUTS! You need to commit to have a family and children with a person who is YOURS at a sensual, emotional and sexual level. All of these must be together. And to achieve it, you yourself need to have harmony inside.